Retard Pill
by Lacuna Miyamoto
Summary: a crack fic. this story is an insult to all fics, but if you like three zombielike egyptians spitting stupidity at each other then read this. i don't want any flamers because i know it's stupid, that was kinda the point.


Retard pill

I feel like I should be shot for this. Rock on.

I own nothing but my soul.

Bakura looked at Ryou, who was calmly doing his homework at the kitchen table, his purple brown eyes darting from his paper to his history book and back again. Horrible. He was so Ra damn bored that it was a physical pain in his side. He couldn't tell Ryou that though, he'd just say that it was that raw steak. Which, of course, was all lies. His beloved steak would never do such a thing. A spark lit between the two wicked eyes of his.

Quietly slobbering all over his index finger and poised himself behind Ryou, ready to inflict the horror of the wet willy.

"WET--!" Bakura cut himself off as he caught glimpse of the history chapter. Egypt. Hmm. It was odd, but that was the only subject they ever studied at school. Ryou, in the meantime was staring at the spit-saturated finger that was poised dangerously near to where his ear had been.

"_Early in 500 BC…_" Bakura read aloud. He narrowed his eyes dangerously. Ripping an unused sheet of paper out of Ryou's notebook and stealing his pen, Bakura ran cackling up the stairs.

The next day at school, Ryou pulled the paper out and turned it in, not noticing the scribbles of quite rude and blasphemous hieroglyphs at the top of the page.

Then the next day the teacher stood at the front of the class and announced that he wanted to "Share with the students a… talented and… creative writing."

_"Apparently I was supposed to write about a Pharaoh, but they're all hacks and idiots and PROSTITUTES! Which is why they're all DEAD, thank you very much. Yes, they all got herpies and crotch rot and their wongs rotted and fell off and they all DIED from it, which actually doesn't make much sense because they never had any to begin with, a-HEM. But fear not, for there was VALIANT HERO of Egypt who stood against their evil! YES! THEIR EVIL! THEY BUTCHERED VILLAGES AND ATE BABIES!! ATE BABIES I TELL YOU!!! The great, almighty thief Akefia! Oh yes! The Almighty Akefia was not one to be rivaled, for he was so handsome and dashing, with his manly scar; forgot how I got that actually… BUT IT WAS MANLY! The most beautiful women in all the land threw themselves at his feet (naked, mind you), but the powerful Almighty Akefia was not tempted for they were not good enough, for there was but one thing he desired—the WORLD! And the Almighty Akefia was becoming of such! And he shall have the world yet! For the Almighty Akefia lives! LIVES! AND THE ALMIGHTY AKEFIA WAS SO GREAT THAT THE GODS THEMSELVES BOWED BEFORE HIM! AND WITH HIS MIGHTY HAND, THE ALMIGHTY AKEFIA SAID "SMOTED BE THEE!" AND THE INSIGNIFICANT WORM OF A PHARAOH BEGGED FORGIVENESS OF HIS SINS! BUT THE ALMIGHTY AKEFIA GAVE NONE FOR THE PHARAOH WAS A MERE (the teacher censured that part) AND THE ALMIGHTY AKEFIA SMOTED HIM! AND HE RODE WILD CROCODILES DOWN THE NILE AND LAUGHED AS ALL BOWED BEFORE HIM IN HIS MIGHTY WAKE!! Eventually the Almighty Akefia gathered all seven of the millenium items and grew so powerful that the gods themselves were nothing more then unpleasant squishes between his toes. __I spit on you and your dead old man. __Eat that Pharaoh Atemn. __THE END!"_

Before the teacher could pin blame on it, the story was continued and another contender entered the ring.

_"Well, not quite "the end" because THEN Akefia woke up in the palace DUNGEON, chained to a wall because he was horribly stupid and had gotten himself caught robbing a HOBO because he thought that it was the pharaoh! Then he ran in all-idiotic in his bed sheet and demand payment for some obscure reasons. Then he RAPED the Handsome Pharaoh Atemn's dead father because he was not only stupid but also a complete wack-job with a dead corpse fetish."_

Yami announced, taking control of the body he shared with his light and standing on top of the desk while his classmates stared rather nervously up at him. Bakura, who'd at the same time as Yami taken control of his light, stood on top of his desk as well, pointing an outraged finger at the king of games.

_"WHAT?! The Almighty Akefia never raped corpses, you sicko! How dare you think of such things! Nor did the Almighty Akefia rob hobos! ……………Okay! So there were a couple times but those don't count because they were um, something… and… er… POSSESSED by the DEVIL! I saved their souls… er... Ahmem…"_

_"LIAR! YOU DIDN'T SAVE THEIR SOULS! YOU PROBABLY **ATE** THEIR SOULS! and it's **amen**..."_

_"Hey! … wait, now that you mention it… there was this one time… It's really kinda fuzzy so… didn't taste that much like chicken. Actually it probably did; I wouldn't have known cuz I'd never eaten chicken way back when…"_

_"You ate a hobo's **SOUL**!? As in the soul of a **HOBO**!? Like, ate, as in eat, digest, **CONSUME?"**_

_"Well, ex-cuse me, Mr. I-never-had-sex-with-a-two-buck-whore! I'm sorry I do not meet your standards of approval. Please forgive me! OH, HOW I HAVE SINNED!"_

_"YEAH, YOU BETTER, TOMB MOLESTER! BOW BEFORE YOUR PHARAOH! COM'ON, DO IT BEFORE I BREAK YOUR KNEES!"_

Yami ordered pointing at his feet while shaking a fist as Bakura played theatrical woeful. The two paused as the lights suddenly turned off.

_"the Almighty Akefia and Handsome Pharaoh Atemn suddenly gasped as a holy light shone down upon them, radiating from the upper plain!"_

A random brainwashed tall kid flicked on the flashlight, pointing it at Malik, who stood on his desk.

_"And The Almighty Akefia and the Handsome Pharaoh knew that they were nothing! For before them all stood the most beautiful person in the entire universe! Yes! The beautiful, staggeringly dashing, suave, sensual, charming, wonderful MALIK-er-XUS!"_

_"SHUT UP! YOU'RE JUST AN EGOTISTICAL SCHIZOPHRENIC, MALIK!"_

The two foes shouted united, pointing simultaneously at the purple-eyed Egyptian.

_"OH YEAH!? WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS?! 'OH! OH, I'M SO GREAT!' BOTH OF YOU! YOU MAKE ME SICK! MALIKXUS THE BEAUTIFUL WAS BETTER THAN ALL YOU CREEPY LITTLE MAN-SLUTS!!"_

_"That is so it—THE ALMIGHTY AKEFIA TURNED ON MALIKXUS THE BEAUTIFUL AND, SWOOPING DOWN ON HIS TWENTY-THREE HEADED WINGED CROCODILES OF EVIL DEATH, CHAOS AND ETERNAL SUFFRAGE, BIT THAT LITTLE PRICKS HEAD OFF!"_

_"OH YEAH?! WELL MALIKXUS THE BEAUTIFUL **REGENERATED**!! SUCK THAT, AKEFIA!! THEN MALIKXUS THE BEAUTIFUL SUMMONED THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA AND BLEW HIM INTO A GOOEY, SMOLDERING PILE OF MARSHMALLOW!! S'MORES, BABY!!"_

_"S'mores… Heh, heh… Wait, WHAT?! MALIKXUS CAN'T SUMMON THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA! IT'S LIKE, UNSUMMONABLE! THE ONLY REASON YOU SUMMOND IT **LASTTIME** IS BECAUSE YOU CHEATED! Normally, it's unsummonable."_

_"Unsummonable. Is that a word?"_

_"How should I know?"_

_"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!! THE ALMIGHTY AKEFIA WILL NOT BOW TO YOU! DIE! KILL!! DESTRUCTION! MINDLESS VIOLENCE!! DOGS WITH THIRTY HEADS AND A SNAKE WEDGED UP IT'S ASS ROAMED THE LAND DEVOURING THE SOULS OF ALL WHO STOOD IN THE ALMIGHTY AKEFIA'S WAY! THREE EYED ROTTING CHILDREN WITH GORILLA ARMS SCOURED THE LAND!! DOUBLE FRONT-ENDED ASSLESS GOATS WITH A MILLION EYES LET NONE LIVE! GIRAFFES WITH NINE NECKS BUT NO HEADS WANDERED AIMLESSLY AMOK AND SOMETIMES MANAGED TO TRAMPLE SMALL MORTAL CHILDREN TO DEATH! AAAHHHHH!!!!"_

Bakura screamedin psychotic rage, flailing his fists as he jumped up and down, unwilling to be out done by his two rivals.

_"…I feel like we've done something terrible."_

_"Me too. Do you think his brain will fix itself or can we beat him over the head a couple times and see if that helps?"_

_"…Let's wait until he's stopped his ranting in all caps. Then let's beat him a good one."_

_"Thank you, my dear Pharaoh!"_

_"Bite me."_

And so, Malik and Yami jumped off of the desks they'd climbed up on, and left to find blunt objects, leaving the rest of the students and teacher totally exposed to a completely unadulterated dosage of Bakura's violent, bloody, blasphemous and often discriminating, stereotypical, sexist and prejudiced PSYCHOBABBLE.

A-HEM

LM/N: This story was made in a mental fit. I giggled a lot. So, I'm happy with it. If I get flamers because of this I'm hitting someone. If you can't handle the fact that this was SUPPOSED TO BE STUPID, then you shouldn't have read it. Period.

Ja Mata Ne


End file.
